Verbal Abuse is Still Abuse
By Jennifer Bryan
If you have never been involved in an abusive relationship it is difficult to understand why someone would continue to place themselves in harms way.
The final straw for me came one night as I lay in bed next to my now ex husband. For some reason he got angry, so angry to the point he turned to me and said “I should just blow your (expletive) brains out and leave our kids orphans.”
After that I couldn’t sleep for months, even when a friend of mine helped me and the kids get out.
He was diagnosed as Bi-Polar the year before. That same threat happened a year before too, but I looked the other way since I knew he was sick. The second time though, I didn’t see any excuses. He had been on medication for over a year.
I was verbally abused by my now ex husband for nearly 10 years. A few years later I began counseling and it was then that I found out what he had been doing to me IS abuse.
I completed my counseling a year ago as did my two oldest children. Thanks to the support of friends, family and my best friend who was also my life coach, I am a happier, confident person.
My ex husband verbally abused me for years calling me every name in the book whenever I did something or things didn’t go his way.
For the longest time though, I didn’t consider it abuse. When I began counseling years later I was told it was abuse.
I did not realize how bad my self esteem was until I entered counseling. Then my children were sent to therapy and they too had low self esteem issues. For the longest time I believed I was useless. My son was probably the most affected by everything though. He was just a baby when all of this came to a head. He has had behavior problems that have lead me to consulting DHS and children’s services. Most of it though has come from a lack of interaction with his dad. Last year a good friend of mine stepped in to be a male mentor to him. While he still has behavior issues, my sons overall behavior has greatly improved.
I stayed in the marriage for my children, at least for awhile. I did seek the advice of a divorce attorney on three separate occassions over the course of three years. Each time I was told that because my husband was the breadwinner, he would get the house and vehicle. The first two consultations I only had a part time seasonal job though most of the time I was a stay at home mom. Eventually I was able to get my own transportation and my husband was very unhappy about it.
Out of the 10 years we were together (dating and married), I know of only about two weeks total he was sober. Some days were worse than others with his drinking. He loved Budweiser so much. I over. Our daughter seen him fall over many times. He didn’t care though that his daughter would see him passed out, drooling in the computer chair or him urinating on himself because he was so drunk to get up out of the chair.
When he was sober that was when he was the most verbally abusive. I learned to just keep my mouth shut and agree with everything. Anytime I said the wrong thing all hell would break loose. I would get screamed and cursed at everytime. There were even the times he got into my face or shook his hand as if he was going to hit me.
The most common name I was called is what you would call a female dog. If it was very bad he added stupid (expletive) to it.
There was some physical abuse that happened occasionally. Signs were there that I just didn’t see until years later during counseling sessions.
He got angry with me twice in one week and attempted to shove me down stairs (13 steps). The first time I didn’t see it coming and barely caught on to the railing. Second time I was able to catch the railing before he could get a good push. During this time he also locked me out of the apartment as I was calling a relative for help. When he realized who I was talking to he let me back in.
A few years later he got angry with me again while were living in our house. We had been sitting downstairs talking when I said the wrong thing. He chased me upstairs pushing me into the wall. There was a struggle then he threw a paint can full of Kilz at me that hit the wall. The struggle continued into the living room where he punched me in the face. I was able to punch back in self defense knocking a tooth out.
At that time though, I felt that because I had fought back (which I thought was wrong to do) that I had no merit and I was just as guilty.
That’s not true though. I didn’t deserve to be attacked and I had every right to defend myself.
It was after our son was born that my now ex husband began showing signs something was mentally wrong. He had just returned to work after staying at home. One night he came in very late and early from his 12 hour shift. He was balling his eyes out and didn’t know why. The following day I took him to our family doctor who gave him anti depressants. He kept him out of work for a couple of weeks until the medicines kicked in.
I cannot even count how many times medications were switched. No matter what he still was abusive to me. It didn’t matter how much I took care of him, stood by his side, or defended him. He still abused me.
Surprisingly when it came to family, some overlooked it while others just didn’t get involved at all. That was part of the reason why I didn’t see it as abuse.
As I was in counseling, I did attempt to work on my marriage. My husband did go with me several times and then quit. After meeting him, my counselor who happens to focus on restoring marriages, told me I had to get out of mine. She could tell he was abusive and when she told me it was OK to leave I knew this time I could say I tried everything.
I stood my ground and threw him out. Interesting enough, he was accepting that it was over. He moved in with his mom, got a job and is working on becoming sober. He continues to fervently take his medications too. He is beginning to spend more time with our children, quality time. Recently he started going back to church with the help of the kids.
Every once in a while I still catch the wrath, but this time I take up for myself. I have learned to not allow him to have control over me, which he hates. I am no longer afraid of him.
While my story is very minor, it still was abuse. What I learned is that most family do not want to get involved in situations like this. Had it been more physically abusive, I am sure they would have stepped in.
If you feel you are being abused, it is best to consult with someone neutral such as a counselor or clergy. Look for a counselor who does non profit work. My counselor received a grant for non profit work. Churches may be able to help you locate one. Some pastors also do counseling themselves.
